"No...no, she's not."

"Do you have family coming out to visit and help out?"

"Not right now, but Bryan's parents are coming in a few months."

"Oh good!!  That'll be nice.  What about your family? Is your mom coming?"

"No....no, she's not." 

*insert awkward pause/puzzled look*


Over the past five and a half years, I've learned that it's very awkward for others whenever I mention that my mom passed away from cancer.  They're shocked.  They don't know what to say.  They want to hug me.  They cry for me.  They feel guilty for bringing it up.  For the first couple of years, I often avoided talking about my mom because I didn't want to have an emotional breakdown in public.  Now that it's been many years, I can usually talk about her without crying.  But if I don't get emotional, I feel whomever I'm talking to it judging me, thinking that I don't care and that I'm over it. 

I'm not an emotionally open person, but I wanted to share a few things.

 I will never be over it.  My mother was amazing and I think of her daily, wishing she was still here.

 For the first couple of years, I was very angry.  Angry at God.  Angry at her doctors.  Angry towards those who have survived cancer.  Angry at people who complain about their mom in front of me.  Angry that my mom and Bryan didn't know each other.  The saying goes that time heals everything.  I'm not sure I'll ever be healed of the pain of losing her too early, but I'd like to think that on most days, I'm passed the anger. 

But it still sucks.  I've miss my mother on the big days:  The night I got engaged. Trying on my wedding dress.  Being at my wedding.  Seeing me off to Japan.  Telling her that I'm pregnant.  Telling her that I'm having a daughter of my own.  Emily's arrival.   The days leading up to and after these days, I think about her even more than usual.  But it's really the day to day things that I miss the most.  I wish so, so badly I could call her up.  To talk about my day.  To ask her about her day.  To ask her again the best way to make pumpkin rolls.  To complain about petty stuff together.  To talk about Bryan.  To gossip.  To ask her about raising Emily. To talk about everything and nothing at all at the same time.   But I can't.  And it just sucks.

Since I don't talk about my mother that often, I thought I'd share just a few random things about her.

There's no greater compliment I can receive than to tell me that I look like my mom.  I know I do.  And I love it.  She was a beautiful lady.

My mom was a mom to more than her own three children.  We constantly had friends over.  Some spent more time at our house than they did their own house many days.  Some friends pretty much moved in with us for a short time, because that's what they needed. My mother never denied them a loving home, a good meal, and motherly advice.

My mother would do anything for us.  We didn't have a lot of money growing up, but somehow we all had more than we needed.  I still wonder how my parents paid for everything.  I wanted a piano and I got one.  They paid for years of piano lessons and sheet music.  Braces.  Prom dresses.  Gas to drive me to band practice. My college education.  I never did without, thanks to my mother's sacrifices.  

My mother taught me how to cook.  She always had a good home cooked meal on the table and some kind of dessert waiting to be enjoyed. 

I miss sitting at the kitchen table with my mom, talking about whatever came to mind.  Or shopping with my mom.  She knew me better than I knew myself so she always picked out good things for me.

I think of her every time I see a Mister Donut here.  As a kid, I can't tell you how many times we ate at Mister Donut.  My mom loved their coffee and we often stopped in for a break between grocery shopping and running errands.

My mom loved Christmas.  And Charlie Brown Christmas stuff.  She loved the Trans Siberian Orchestra and going to their concerts.  She was also a big Tina Turner fan.  That's still funny to me. She loved a classy leopard print.  I have a little leopard print dress for Emily and I can't wait for her to wear it.

I often regret not spending more time with her. She passed away when I was 25.  I had moved to Columbus right after graduating college and was starting my own life.  I know I shouldn't regret doing this, as it's only the natural thing to do as a young adult, but I just wish I could go back and at least spend more weekends back home with her. 

I know that my mom would have been an amazing grandma.  I'm sad that Emily and my future children will never know her.  I'm happy that I'll be able to share pictures and stories with them though.  I know that God sent me Bryan and his parents to help fill the void.  She may only have one set of grandparents in her life, but at least she got some of the best out there.


I always knew I had an amazing mom.  But at the time, I didn't realize what a gift she was. 

So no, my mother isn't coming to visit me in Japan.  But I know she's watching over us all of the time.